Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
