Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
