I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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