Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
