i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
