I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
