Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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