why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
