You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
