Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
