I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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