farters have to be the big spoon...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i drank out of a bidet.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
