I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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