I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
