I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
