I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
