I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
