Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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