There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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