I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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