Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
ttyl tear gas
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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