you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
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Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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