i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
