You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
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If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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