Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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