I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
