The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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