theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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