Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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