last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
