she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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