I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
