I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
