Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
