I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
no you cant smoke seaweed
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
