i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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