I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
