i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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