I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
