I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
