Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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