If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
