Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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