I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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