I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
