Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
