just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
