We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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