____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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