no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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