she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
