i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
