Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
