I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
