you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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