If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
